She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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