I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
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If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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