i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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