that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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