Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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