He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
