is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
