Please don't use social media to get back at me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
