I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
