it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
