last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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