living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
