now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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