Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
