just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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