please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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