She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
