90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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