Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
