The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
