Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
