Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
