I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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