Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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