I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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