U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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