Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
