I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
