I am spending my child support on dildos
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
