I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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