ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
