fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
