we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
