HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
