Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
