I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
