am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
