he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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