he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
