Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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