We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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