I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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