Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
