Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
