Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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