I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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