come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
