yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
