I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.