That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.