I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
