come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
