Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
