Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
