I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
