Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
