I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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