wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
