Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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