great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Alive.
So much puke
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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